It Doesn't Matter That I Used To Like Girls
by Siderius Cimmerii
Summary: My try at the wonder that is Harry and Draco. Small thing, not that long to read. Just going over the 'usual' things that happen with a twist. Hope you get a good laugh.


It doesn't matter that I used to love girls

~jes Imagin

My try at a parody of my love for fanfic that is Harry and Draco.

***

"Draco, do you love me?" questioned an innocent Harry Potter who felt like his world would shatter if he said no.

The blonde waved his hand in a dismissive manner, not even looking at Potter as he said, "yes, potter. I love you and since when did you call me Draco?"

Harry ignored the fact that Draco called him Potter, ignored that he suddenly loved Draco, and ignored the fact that he just started calling Draco now. After all, he was a melting pile of emerald-eyed goo and wanted to melt in Draco's warm embrace. "Why do you love me?"

Silence. A poke to the ribs reminds him of the question. "Because, Potter, you are the exact opposite of me. You're the embodiment of innocence. You're the gryffindor golden boy… yadda, yadda, yadda."

"Really?" Questioned shiny eyes, which Draco was supposedly enamored with.

"Yes. So much that I've forsaken my father, my heritage, the deatheaters who would surely kill me, my pride; everything I am, for you."

"Draco, that's so sweet."

"I know, I'm surprised I'm not gagging at your overly girlish behavior and the fact that your giggling like a preteen muggle raving over their favorite celebrity."

"I agree. I'm surprised you're hugging me and that you don't feel cold, despite the fact that you are (though you sometimes don't appear to be so) human and you are warm-blooded just like the rest of us."

"hm…"

"Draco? What were you doing earlier? When you were professing your love to me and not even looking at me? I wasn't able to see because I was looking at Cho's picture."

"Oh, I was busy wanking to playwizard. Hot mamas, don't you know. Sometimes, not all the time, I muse over why I look at beautiful women. It makes me wonder. I know I was het before, but I love you and that's enough. It doesn't matter that I used to love, okay, maybe not love, Pansy with all my heart (or all I can) and approve of the betrothal my parents and hers has set ever since my birth. Why do I love you, Harry? And since when do I call you Harry?"

"You started loving me when you, miraculously, I don't know how you knew or how you knew where I lived, rescued me from those terribly abusive and rapist Dursleys (even though they've never been that way before). You, of course, was originally in denial and wondering about your changed feelings while going gaga over my eyes. Finally, after some bout of jealousy from Cho or Ginny or some nameless girl who _I_ was enamored with, you professed your love (which was just yesterday) and I loved you back. We then made hot animalistic sex where it was further imbued and believed that we loved each other because it was so great. It does not matter that you shouted Pansy's name while I shouted Cho's as we came."

"Hm…True. I love you Harry."

"I love you too, Draco. Now lets stop dallying and go destroy Voldemort who's killed everyone we loved."

Blinks. "When did he kill them?"

"While we were having hot, monkey sex."

"Oh."

"Are we going?"

"I dunno, damnit! Why am I speaking like this. I'm a Malfoy, I speak properly and enunciate my words clearly. I am no street wizard! Ahem, _I don't know_. There we go. Voldemort's powerful and knows an infinite amount of dark magic, we're still students _learning_ magic. How will we defeat him?"

Shrugs. "I honestly have no clue. Supposedly, which is also the reason why we suddenly love each other (or loved each other ever since Madam Malkin's shop and was just in denial), we are soulmates and together/combined we'd have a terrific force and vanquish Voldemort to who knows where even though we all know he'll come back."

"Hm. Soulmates, huh? Shite! _We're soulmates_? I guess that solves everything. Do you wish to go now, oh powerful mate of whom I love?"

"Yes, heart of mine who I had an illicit affair with behind your back."

Shocked gasp. Grey eyes filled with tears. "What? I can't believe this! I'm crying… I mean, how could you! I thought you loved me. I thought I satisfied you, even though I wouldn't really know because we only had sex once and I'm not sure whether its because you don't really love me or is really a normal hormonal boy who's angst ridden and suicidal." Tears spill out against his will (Draco was furiously trying to rub them away, much to no avail.)

"No, Draco! Don't cry, I'm sorry; I'll never do it again. At least not with Cho, I'll try Snape next time even if I despise him, solely for the purpose of getting knowledge on gay sex and giving you pleasure unimagined. I hate it when you cry, even if you really don't. I only like it when you cry when your eyes become an attractive silver that takes me and makes me swoon. I also like seeing you bathed under the moonlight where you look deathly pale and sallow, managing to look like a veela or an angel from heaven. Don't worry, I know I'm angsty and morbid but I'm hormonal and want sex even if I was a virgin till yesterday. It's not you, I just got a taste of sex and wanted more but I didn't want to ask you because the first time we had sex we came three times and I tired you out. I should have been tired but I felt strangely rejuvenated and so I sought Cho to experience the het life you had done before me."

"Okay, I'll forgive this one time. Het sex is wonderful. I can see where your dilemma was. Just don't do it again, you'll make me cry and I hate that because I'm vain and I care too much for my looks and don't want my eyes to become puffy red."

"Thank you. Oh, we were supposed to face off Voldemort and your father but our love distracted us. Let's go before we forget again then after we defeat them and I comfort you over you or I killing your father, we'll go make hot, boylove sex until we come more than once."

Stands up. "Let's magically apparate, something I know how to do because I'm the son of a deatheater and was able to mask my use of magic from the ministry during summer, to the unknown location otherwise known as Malfoy Manor or Riddle Manor."

"K. Just promise you won't die on me Draco. Cuz Merlin knows I'll die with you or we'd both be on the brink of death before we're magically brought to life."

"Sure."

"Come on."

And so they went to kill Voldemort using their special mating power called love, killed Lucius with Draco in stony silence over his death, Harry celebrating over the capture of Peter Pettigrew for it meant being able to have Sirius, who was supposed to be dead but was alive, free and able to show his face in public. Dumbledore coming in the nick of time to help them just like he always does and proceed to shower Harry with blatant amount of favoritism on his person. Snape shows up, smiles joyously at the loss of his master and give his godson a hug and Harry a kiss on the lips, no; he doesn't care that Harry's half his age and despises his parents. He only sees the beautiful, if not scrawny and malnourished looking, boy and suddenly wanted to take him from Draco's hold despite the terms of Draco's and Harry's supposed 'soul bond' and that he liked girls…er…women. And no, he was innocent; he did not look at Granger _that_ way. Though she did get top marks.

During this unusual courtship of the former deatheater and champion of light, Harry managed to talk Severus into also loving his godson. Who they soon found out was not really his godson so that made it okay, and the three had a triangle love where they inexplicably loved each other, was able to include Severus into the bond because he was their soulmate too, and died a hundred years later together. (Takes a deep breath after that mouthful.)

****

How'd you like? My 30-minute fanfic exercise. How'd I do at my attempt at a parody? Input thoroughly welcomed. Count how many times I've written 'despite,' times that by two hundred and you'll get how uncreative I am. :P

~jI


End file.
